All I know is I can't live without you

heburb @ 2009-12-01T19:41:00

2009-12-02T01:41:00Z

Ive decided that there's no looking back. There's only going forward in life. I've decided that thinking about my best interest once in my life does not make a a selfish person. Although my parents tired to drill that into my brain. I've decided that I'm no longer going to be the peace maker in my family. I'm tired my mom being bitchy just because she doesn't like her boyfriend and has a diluted idea of hope marriage. I'm sick of being some punching bag.. A tool really. Every where I go I'm the " bitch". I'm the person everyone takes advantage of well I'm not doing it anymore. I'm not taking the blame for others mistakes. I'm tired of my father being a dick. I"m sick of him never even speaking to any of the girls that I have brought home. He has spoken to Amanda once! I've been with her 2 years in january. That's bullshit. She was supposed to come home with me on sunday but she stayed in springfield and when I get there he says" oh, did what's her name not come?" That's total bullshit. Also everytime my mom calls me she talks about hope on and on.. She never ask me how's school? what's new with you? Nothing. I'm a loving person, I am. I just feel pissed, empty and done. I'm not going to cut my family out of my life, but I"m going to express how I feel from now on..

heburb @ 2009-11-10T18:03:00

2009-11-11T00:07:07Z

I'm depressed. I realized today why I did drugs for so many years. Why I still need my pills.

Everything is messed. Amanda and I broke up saturday when got back together on sunday though.

I'm torn... I'm in love with her, but I can't take her drinking anymore. I feel completely torn. How are you supposed to walk out on someone that youre completely in love with?

I can't believe I started doing drugs when I was 12. It's insane.

damn. I forgot to eat today. oh boy.

heburb @ 2009-04-28T23:42:00

2009-04-29T05:01:34Z

Amanda's on the edge of breaking up with me. I was thinking of leaving her on saturday.. but when I got to springfield and saw her my heart melted like it always does.

I don't know what to do. I cried all last night and it carried on into today.

I thought I was doing okay I school I felt so numb. Then my mom called and said my brother wanted to start a family night.

I then started to think about how Amanda I and were going to start a family and I rushed to the bathroom to cry.

My allergies are totally fucked from all the crying. I don't know what I'm going to do. I sunk down into a pretty bad depression when she moved and this time it's 20 times worse. It was so hard for me to deal with the idea of her not being there all the time.. so, how am I to deal with the idea of her not being around at all...

I really want to curl of into a ball of emotion and never deal with life again.

but as for me i'm coming to my final failure
killed myself with changes trying to make things better
ended up becoming something other than what I had planned to be

now i believe that lovers should be draped in flowers
and layed entwined together on a bed of clover
left there to sleep
left there to dream of their happiness

Every minute I die a little more. I wish this pain would end.

oceans

2009-04-17T05:19:20Z

I fell into the ocean today.

Head first with no regrets..

And as I was there drowning with the fish I thought to myself..

What are we, but meaningless bodies floating..

Floating through time, through space, life and oceans?

Drowning in who we are and the pressure of the world..

and seeing who we want to be so far away at the top of the sea.

The gold lining that seems so peaceful.

The unreachable that we spend our whole lives trying to reach instead of just enjoying the scenery of fish

that meets us with death.

heburb @ 2009-04-14T23:36:00

2009-04-15T04:41:23Z

Yes, you already know how this will end..

I'm so paranoid anymore.

I can't trust anyone..

Maybe I'm not crazy.. What if everything that I think isn't real is real..

and, of course, everything that I think is real isnt'.

Within ten years I see myself being completely insane.

There's no chance for me now.

I wish there was one person that I could talk to that didn't give me the " you're crazy" look.

sigh.

I will teach you the Truth and the Path leading to the Truth. (Buddha)

2009-03-11T05:20:49Z

I will teach you the Truth and the Path leading to the Truth. (Buddha)

It is proper for you to doubt .. do not go upon report .. do not go upon tradition..do not go upon hearsay..' (Buddha, Kalama Sutra)

O Brahmana, it is just like a mountain river, flowing far and swift, taking everything along with it; there is no moment, no instant, no second when it stops flowing, but it goes on flowing and continuing. So Brahmana, is human life, like a mountain river. (Buddha)

‘Wherefore, brethren, thus must ye train yourselves : Liberation of the will through love will develop, we will often practice it, we will make it vehicle and base, take our stand upon it, store it up, thoroughly set it going.’ (Buddha)

Not to do any evil, to cultivate the good, to purify one’s mind, this is the Teaching of the Buddhas.

To speak no ill will, to do no harm, to practice self-restraint according to the fundamental precepts, to be moderate in eating, to live in seclusion, to devote oneself to higher consciousness, this is the Teaching of the Buddhas.

By endeavour, diligence, discipline and self-mastery, let the wise person make (of himself) an island that no flood can overwhelm.

All (mental) states have mind as their forerunner, mind is their chief, and they are mind-made. If one speaks or acts with a defiled mind, then suffering follows ..

Hatred is never appeased by hatred in this world; it is appeased by love. This is an eternal Law.

Hard to restrain, unstable is this mind; it flits wherever it lists. Good is it to control the mind. A controlled mind brings happiness.

'All conditioned things are impermanent’, when one sees this in wisdom, then one becomes dispassionate towards the painful. This is the Path to Purity.

“If people do not revere the Law of Nature, It will inexorably and adversely affect them
If they accept it with knowledge and reverence, It will accommodate them with balance and harmony.”

There is a thing, formless yet complete.
Before heaven and earth it existed.
Without sound, without substance,
it stands alone and unchanging.
It is all-pervading and unfailing.
One may think of it as the mother of all beneath Heaven.
We do not know its name, but we call it Tao.
Deep and still, it seems to have existed forever.”

“The Great Tao flows everywhere.
It may go left or right.
All things depend on it for life, and it does not turn away from them.
It accomplishes its tasks, but does not claim credit for it.
It clothes and feeds all things, but does not claim to be master over them.
Always without desires, it may be called the Small.
All things come to it and it does not master them;
it may be called The Great.”

The Tao that can be told of is not the eternal Tao;
the name that can be named is not the eternal name.”

“Hold on to the Tao of old in order to master the things of the present.”

“Being one with Nature, he is in accord with the Tao.
Being in accord with the Tao, he is everlasting.”

“Whether it is big or small, many or few, repay hatred with virtue.”

”Manifest plainness, Embrace simplicity, Reduce selfishness, Have few desires.”

“Be still like a mountain and flow like a great river.” (Lao Tzu)

“ Hold faithfulness and sincerity as first principles.”

“ I am not one who was born in the possession of knowledge; I am one who is fond of antiquity, and earnest in seeking it there.”

“ Everything has its beauty but not everyone sees it.”

“ Forget injuries, never forget kindnesses.”

“ Men's natures are alike, it is their habits that carry them far apart.”

“ Respect yourself and others will respect you.”

“ Study the past if you would define the future.”

“ To see what is right, and not to do it, is want of courage or of principle.”

“ What the superior man seeks is in himself; what the small man seeks is in others.”

“ When anger rises, think of the consequences.”

“ When we see men of a contrary character, we should turn inwards and examine ourselves.”

“ Wheresoever you go, go with all your heart.”

“ They must often change who would be constant in happiness or wisdom.”

“ Fine words and an insinuating appearance are seldom associated with true virtue.”

“ Have no friends not equal to yourself.”

“ If a man takes no thought about what is distant, he will find sorrow near at hand.”

A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything.: Friedrich Nietzsche
At times one remains faithful to a cause only because its opponents do not cease to be insipid.: Friedrich Nietzsche
- More quotations on: [Enemies]
Battle not with monsters, lest ye become a monster, and if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.: Friedrich Nietzsche
Be careful when you fight the monsters, lest you become one.: Friedrich Nietzsche
In heaven all the interesting people are missing.: Friedrich Nietzsche
In truth, there was only one Christian, and he died on the cross.: Friedrich Nietzsche
Insanity in individuals is something rare - but in groups, parties, nations and epochs, it is the rule.: Friedrich Nietzsche
- More quotations on: [Sanity]
It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!: Friedrich Nietzsche
- More quotations on: [Opinions]
Man is the cruelest animal.: Friedrich Nietzsche
No price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself. Friedrich Nietzsche
One must have a good memory to be able to keep the promises one makes.: Friedrich Nietzsche
- More quotations on: [Memory]
Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself.: Friedrich Nietzsche
The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time.: Friedrich Nietzsche
- More quotations on: [Memory]
The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.: Friedrich Nietzsche
The irrationality of a thing is no argument against its existence, rather a condition of it.: Friedrich Nietzsche
The overman...Who has organized the chaos of his passions, given style to his character, and become creative. Aware of life's terrors, he affirms life without resentment.: Friedrich Nietzsche
The visionary lies to himself, the liar only to others.: Friedrich Nietzsche
- More quotations on: [Lies]
To forget one's purpose is the commonest form of stupidity.: Friedrich Nietzsche
To predict the behavior of ordinary people in advance, you only have to assume that they will always try to escape a disagreeable situation with the smallest possible expenditure of intelligence.: Friedrich Nietzsche
What else is love but understanding and rejoicing in the fact that another person lives, acts, and experiences otherwise than we do…?: Friedrich Nietzsche
- More quotations on: [Love]
When one has much to put into them, a day has a hundred pockets.: Friedrich Nietzsche
When you stare into the abyss the abyss stares back at you.: Friedrich Nietzsche
You need chaos in your soul to give birth to a dancing star.: Friedrich Nietzsche
There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness.: Friedrich Nietzsche, "On Reading and Writing"
- More quotations on: [Love] [Sanity]
But thus do I counsel you, my friends: distrust all in whom the impulse to punish is powerful!: Friedrich Nietzsche, Also Sprach Zarathustra, Chapter 29
Digressions, objections, delight in mockery, carefree mistrust are signs of health; everything unconditional belongs in pathology.: Friedrich Nietzsche, Beyond Good and Evil
Poets are shameless with their experiences: they exploit them.: Friedrich Nietzsche, Beyond Good and Evil
He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.: Friedrich Nietzsche, Beyond Good and Evil, Aphorism 146
What is done out of love always takes place beyond good and evil.: Friedrich Nietzsche, Beyond Good and Evil, Aphorism 153
Only sick music makes money today.: Fridrich Nietzsche

We are more often treacherous through weakness than through calculation. ~Francois De La Rochefoucauld

A man with one watch knows what time it is; a man with two watches is never quite sure. ~Lee Segall

Begin at the beginning and go on till you come to the end; then stop. ~Lewis Carrol, Alice in Wonderland

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it. ~Andre Gide

Beware lest you lose the substance by grasping at the shadow. ~Aesop

Only that in you which is me can hear what I'm saying. ~Baba Ram Dass

I am a part of all that I have met. ~Alfred Lord Tennyson

There's more to the truth than just the facts. ~Author Unknown

Even a clock that does not work is right twice a day. ~Polish Proverb

Losing an illusion makes you wiser than finding a truth. ~Ludwig Börne

If a man who cannot count finds a four-leaf clover, is he lucky? ~Stanislaw J. Lec

The obscure we see eventually. The completely obvious, it seems, takes longer. ~Edward R. Murrow

We are all but recent leaves on the same old tree of life and if this life has adapted itself to new functions and conditions, it uses the same old basic principles over and over again. There is no real difference between the grass and the man who mows it. ~Albert Szent-Györgyi

Sometimes it's necessary to go a long distance out of the way in order to come back a short distance correctly. ~Edward Albee

When the student is ready, the master appears. ~Buddhist Proverb

A gun gives you the body, not the bird. ~Henry David Thoreau

Before enlightenment - chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment - chop wood, carry water. ~Zen Buddhist Proverb

Many men go fishing all of their lives without knowing that it is not fish they are after. ~Henry David Thoreau

Wars and elections are both too big and too small to matter in the long run. The daily work - that goes on, it adds up. ~Barbara Kingsolver, Animal Dreams

I tell you everything that is really nothing, and nothing of what is everything, do not be fooled by what I am saying. Please listen carefully and try to hear what I am not saying. ~Charles C. Finn

Oh, Heaven, it is mysterious, it is awful to consider that we not only carry a future Ghost within us; but are, in very deed, Ghosts! ~Thomas Carlyle

Knock on the sky and listen to the sound. ~Zen Saying

The fish trap exists because of the fish. Once you've gotten the fish you can forget the trap. The rabbit snare exists because of the rabbit. Once you've gotten the rabbit, you can forget the snare. Words exist because of meaning. Once you've gotten the meaning, you can forget the words. Where can I find a man who has forgotten words so I can talk with him? ~Chuang Tzu

By daily dying I have come to be. ~Theodore Roethke

There are some remedies worse than the disease. ~Publilius Syrus

You never know what is enough, until you know what is more than enough. ~William Blake, Proverbs of Hell

It requires a great deal of faith for a man to be cured by his own placebos. ~John L. McClenahan

What you see, yet can not see over, is as good as infinite. ~Thomas Carlyle, Sartor Resartus, Book II, chapter 1

Philosophy is life's dry-nurse, who can take care of us - but not suckle us. ~Soren Kierkegaard

One man's quiet is another man's din. ~Carrie Latet

Men are probably nearer the central truth in their superstitions than in their science. ~Henry David Thoreau

Think like a man of action, act like a man of thought. ~Henri Louis Bergson

If you think you're free, there's no escape possible. ~Ram Dass

The fly that doesn't want to be swatted is most secure when it lights on the fly-swatter. ~G.C. Lichtenberg

Don't miss the donut by looking through the hole. ~Author Unknown

You can't wake a person who is pretending to be asleep. ~Navajo Proverb

Life has the name of life, but in reality it is death. ~Heraclitus, Eustathius ad Iliad

To learn something new, take the path that you took yesterday. ~John Burroughs

Whatever I take, I take too much or too little; I do not take the exact amount. The exact amount is no use to me. ~Antonio Porchia, Voces, 1943, translated from Spanish by W.S. Merwin

How long has it been since someone touched part of you other than your body? ~Laurel Hoodwrit

Alice came to a fork in the road. "Which road do I take?" she asked.
"Where do you want to go?" responded the Cheshire cat.
"I don't know," Alice answered.
"Then," said the cat, "it doesn't matter."
~Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

Each forward step we take we leave some phantom of ourselves behind. ~John Lancaster Spalding

The map is not the territory. ~Alfred Korzybski

No matter where you go or what you do, you live your entire life within the confines of your head. ~Terry Josephson

Would there be this eternal seeking if the found existed? ~Antonio Porchia, Voces, 1943, translated from Spanish by W.S. Merwin

If you're going to tickle, use a feather not a whip. ~Audrey Foris, C'est l'esprit du coq rouge (Red Rooster Musings, trans.)

He who has seen present things has seen all, both everything which has taken place from all eternity and everything which will be for time without end; for all things are of one kin and of one form. ~Marcus Aurelius

If you chase two rabbits, you will not catch either one. ~Russian Proverb

The observer, when he seems to himself to be observing a stone, is really, if physics is to be believed, observing the effects of the stone upon himself. ~Bertrand Russell

Some people walk in the rain, others just get wet. ~Roger Miller

The obstacle is the path. ~Zen Proverb

It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers. ~James Thurber

It is easy to stand a pain, but difficult to stand an itch. ~Chang Ch'ao

You cannot step into the same river twice. ~Heraclitus, in Diogenes Laertius, Lives

You are fastened to them and cannot understand how, because they are not fastened to you. ~Antonio Porchia, Voces, 1943, translated from Spanish by W.S. Merwin

One day, someone showed me a glass of water that was half full. And he said, "Is it half full or half empty?" So I drank the water. No more problem. ~Alexander Jodorowsky

What deep wounds ever closed without a scar? ~George Gordon, Lord Byron, Child Harold's Pilgrimage

Extreme remedies are very appropriate for extreme diseases. ~Hippocrates, Aphorisms

If a placebo has an effect, is it any less real than the real thing? ~Nathaniel LeTonnerre

Seeking is not always the way to find. ~Augustus William Hare and Julius Charles Hare, Guesses at Truth, by Two Brothers, 1827

It takes all the running you can do just to keep in the same place. ~Lewis Carroll, Through the Looking-Glass, 1872

We waste a lot of time running after people we could have caught by just standing still. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960

You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into. ~Author Unknown

I slept with faith and found a corpse in my arms on awakening; I drank and danced all night with doubt and found her a virgin in the morning. ~Aleister Crowley, Book of Lies

You can see a lot by just looking. ~Yogi Berra

Proverbs often contradict one another, as any reader soon discovers. The sagacity that advises us to look before we leap promptly warns us that if we hesitate we are lost; that absence makes the heart grow fonder, but out of sight, out of mind. ~Leo Rosten

Reason and faith are both banks of the same river. ~Doménico Cieri Estrada

Who depends on another man's table often dines late. ~John Ray

[T]hings are entirely what they appear to be and behind them... there is nothing. ~Jean Paul Sartre, Nausea

You become responsible forever for what you've tamed. ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince, 1943, translated from French by Richard Howard

When the pain is great enough, we will let anyone be doctor. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960

A thousand men can't undress a naked man. ~Greek Proverb

I stop wanting what I am looking for, looking for it. ~Antonio Porchia, Voces, 1943, translated from Spanish by W.S. Merwin

We often repent the good we have done as well as the ill. ~William Hazlitt, Characteristics, 1823

When I die, I will not see myself die, for the first time. ~Antonio Porchia, Voces, 1943, translated from Spanish by W.S. Merwin

The scars you can't see are the hardest to heal. ~Astrid Alauda

The human mind is inspired enough when it comes to inventing horrors; it is when it tries to invent a Heaven that it shows itself cloddish. ~Evelyn Waugh

The foot feels the foot when it feels the ground. ~Buddha

We become aware of the void as we fill it. ~Antonio Porchia, Voces, 1943, translated from Spanish by W.S. Merwin

If I make the lashes dark
And the eyes more bright
And the lips more scarlet,
Or ask if all be right
From mirror after mirror,
No vanity's displayed:
I'm looking for the face I had
Before the world was made.
~W.B. Yeats

Almost every wise saying has an opposite one, no less wise, to balance it. ~Santayana, Essays

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. ~Niels Bohr

How often one sees people looking far and wide for what they are holding in their hands? Why! I am doing it myself at this very moment. ~Augustus William Hare and Julius Charles Hare, Guesses at Truth, by Two Brothers, 1827

Our greatest pretenses are built up not to hide the evil and the ugly in us, but our emptiness. The hardest thing to hide is something that is not there. ~Eric Hoffer, Passionate State of Mind, 1955

Who is more foolish, the child afraid of the dark or the man afraid of the light? ~Maurice Freehill

I believe that men are generally still a little afraid of the dark, though the witches are all hung, and Christianity and candles have been introduced. ~Henry David Thoreau, "Solitude," Walden, 1854

Because they know the name of what I am looking for, they think they know what I am looking for! ~Antonio Porchia, Voces, 1943, translated from Spanish by W.S. Merwin

Eggs cannot be unscrambled. ~American Proverb

A thing, until it is everything, is noise, and once it is everything it is silence. ~Antonio Porchia, Voces, 1943, translated from Spanish by W.S. Merwin

The road was new to me, as roads always are going back. ~Sarah Orne Jewett, The Country Road of Pointed Firs, 1896

...like stealing the juice out of tomorrow's fruit. ~Destin Figuier

Admiration and familiarity are strangers. ~George Sand

We used to think that if we knew one, we knew two, because one and one are two. We are finding that we must learn a great deal more about "and." ~Arthur Stanley Eddington

To know the hight of a mountain, one must climb it. ~Augustus William Hare and Julius Charles Hare, Guesses at Truth, by Two Brothers, 1827

No snowflake ever falls in the wrong place. ~Zen

The moment a little boy is concerned with which is a jay and which is a sparrow, he can no longer see the birds or hear them sing. ~Eric Berne

Nearly all men die of their remedies, and not of their illnesses. ~Jean Baptiste Molière, Le Malade Imaginaire

The charm of history and its enigmatic lesson consist in the fact that, from age to age, nothing changes and yet everything is completely different. ~Aldous Huxley

I doubt one could live in the darkness, but one could probably survive. ~Nathaniel LeTonnerre

Skin is a covering for our immortality. ~Ever Garrison

Genuine tragedies in the world are not conflicts between right and wrong. They are conflicts between two rights. ~Georg Hegel

When I break any of the chains that bind me I feel that I make myself smaller. ~Antonio Porchia, Voces, 1943, translated from Spanish by W.S. Merwin

We are spirits clad in veils. ~Christopher P. Cranch

If I am not pleased with myself, but should wish to be other than I am, why should I think highly of the influences which have made me what I am? ~John Lancaster Spalding

Before I travelled my road I was my road. ~Antonio Porchia, Voces, 1943, translated from Spanish by W.S. Merwin

If a man will begin with certainties, he shall end in doubts, but if he will content to begin with doubts, he shall end in certainties. ~Francis Bacon

To believe with certainty we must begin with doubting. ~Stanislaus I of Poland

The world always makes the assumption that the exposure of an error is identical with the discovery of truth - that the error and truth are simply opposite. They are nothing of the sort. What the world turns to, when it is cured on one error, is usually simply another error, and maybe one worse than the first one. ~H.L. Mencken

The future influences the present just as much as the past. ~Friedrich Nietzsche

When a watch goes ill, it is not enough to move the hands; you must set the regulator. When a man does ill, it is not enough to alter his handiwork, you must regulate his heart. ~Augustus William Hare and Julius Charles Hare, Guesses at Truth, by Two Brothers, 1827

When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the universe. ~John Muir, My First Summer in the Sierra, 1911

One does what one is; one becomes what one does. ~Robert von Musil, Kleine Prosa

You can't fall off the floor. ~Author Unknown

A wise man can see more from the bottom of a well than a fool can from a mountain top. ~Author Unknown

In a mist the heights can for the most part see each other; but the valleys cannot. ~Augustus William Hare and Julius Charles Hare, Guesses at Truth, by Two Brothers, 1827

In general people experience their present naively, as it were, without being able to form an estimate of its contents; they have first to put themselves at a distance from it - the present, that is to say, must have become the past - before it can yield points of vantage from which to judge the future. ~Sigmund Freud, The Future of an Illusion

The only Zen you can find on the tops of mountains is the Zen you bring up there. ~Robert M. Pirsig

A stumble may prevent a fall. ~English Proverb

When you look into an abyss, the abyss also looks into you. ~Friedrich Nietzche

Do not seek to follow in the footsteps of the wise. Seek what they sought. ~Matsuo Basho

When death and destruction are what you live in you no longer fear it. - Heather Harris.

the fog

2009-02-27T01:27:03Z

Darkness all around me.

There's nothing left here for me now.

just the fear and this thick fog of disappointment

that I bring upon myself

You were like a mothers arms- cradling me

like a lost defenseless child.

Never was I deserving of you love.

and never will I be.

I lost my engagement ring.

I don't deserve her.

One year later and I'm still the worthless mess she knew back then.

heburb @ 2008-10-26T22:22:00

2008-10-27T03:29:15Z

So, Tomorrow Is going to suck. My brother goes to Iraq and my sister get divorced all in the same day. I feel like my life is falling apart and I'm left with no sense of self... I pretty much stopped hanging out with all my friends when Amanda was here and now I don't really have any at all. If any of my old friends want anything to do with me just give me a call. more on life later.

heburb @ 2008-08-03T02:16:00

2008-08-03T07:23:47Z

My Heart and soul is in Rolla and I haven't felt the same since she left.
I spent some time with Clarice and Jeff today and I Just feel bad,because I know I wasn't much company.
I was hoping a would cheer up as the night went on, but I had to go home...
Home.. Weird. I miss My old home. I miss my Apartment and my girl friend..mostly my girl friend.. I would really care were I lived as long as she was there. I can't talk about with anymore .. I'll start to cry again. later

heburb @ 2008-07-07T04:44:00

2008-07-07T10:21:33Z

I turn 18 on Saturday. I'm in love with a girl named Amanda that I now live with.
She's moving to Springfield the 1st day of august..god, is august going to suck.
It's coming soon too. I'm moving to Springfield in December,hopefully.
I love this girl with everything that I am.
I am so scared of losing this one.
We've been through a lot of shit, her and I, and someone we made it through.
God, is this girl amazing. She's only raised her voice at me once.
our 5 month anniversary is at the end of this month, I'm so excited too.
I'm scared that I'm going to lose her,though.
She's the best girl friend that I've ever had. She knowns who she is and what she wants.. I couldn't ask for more.
I just wish she would have met me two years ago. I was a different person then.
I've become some what bitter over the years.. I used to be a very giving person and now, well, I just don't have it in me anymore.
I'm going to start treating her like a goddess, though. I don't treat her badly by any means.
She's just heaven sent. For some reason I think if I'm the sweetest person in the world that she leave me like everyone else has.
but if I'm a bitch every now and then she'll stay. I don't know.. She makes every broken heart worth it.
I'm glad those girls dumped me because if they wouldn't have I would still be with them and I would have missed out on the best girl friend,lover, and friend anyone could ask for. She's so sweet and funny. she's unlike anyone you'll ever met.
I know without her I would have never done anything with my life.
I become such a better person since I met her and I'm actually moving on to new and better things.
I'm hopefully getting a job at Hibbets..I plan to go to OTC in January .I'm drug free for almost three months and it's all because of her.
My brother gets to come home in October and I'll probably be picking him up from the airport since I'll be there anyway if it's a weekend anyway. When Amanda moves I'll either be in Springfield or she'll be here on the weekends..so, it will be pretty impossible to get me to do anything on Saturdays or Sundays. Well, I do believe I'm going to bed. Goodnight.

heburb @ 2008-05-20T20:26:00

2008-05-21T01:33:01Z

I wrote this a couple weeks ago.

I seem to be in a rut.
My mind is getting the best of me.
I've learned to deal with my illness, but some days it gets the best of me.
I'm tried of seeing what it not real and hearing what is not really there.
All of that doesn't even get the best of me.
I miss my brother, I'm afraid for his life, but mostly his mind.
I know what it's like to live with a mental illness and I wish this upon no one.
I ran over a bird the other day and I still can't get over it..so, I can't imagine what I would do if I killed a human being.
I'm falling for Amanda.. I'm scared shit less, I really don't want to lose this one.
I have a really deep connection with her. I feel like holding back,though.
She's leaving in a couple months and I don't know if we'll be strong enough as a couple to make it through, but I hope so.
I love just day dreaming about what life would be like if we stayed together, I try not to do that too much though.
I've meet someone this year who has the same mental illness as I do.
It's really nice talking to someone who has the same things going on in there head as you do.

5-20-8

After doing nothing, but fighting with Amanda we worked things out..Or so, I hope.
This were perfect on Sunday, Monday sucked ass, and today seems good.

Last night I was very manic and I finally told my mom what goes on in my head and she's talking me to see Dr. Applegate soon.
There's nothing really going on right now..I love it!

peace

heburb @ 2008-03-29T00:16:00

2008-03-29T05:31:30Z

Okay...so..Amanda is...
My oxygen..
My light..
My muse...
My heart.
My hope for a better tomorrow.
The only thing that keeps my heart beating
The only thing that is ever on my mind
My teddy bear
My sanity
My faith in the good of mankind.
The one who opens my mind to ALL kinds of music.. : )
The only person that can make me feel like I'm flying with just the touch of her hand
The person at the end of the day that make each day worth dealing with petty bullshit.
My drug.
My other half.
the person I wish I could have been.
The one I hope really stays in the game unlike the others.
The one who I will keep every promise too.
My everything....<3<3<3<3<3<3
I love her.
end of.

heburb @ 2008-03-21T14:08:00

2008-03-21T09:23:22Z

The anger rises up in me like an unwanted child,
But still I slowly yet ever so gently place my dairy down,
as if it were made of glass.
I feel as though I've been left alone,stranded on an island
I want to scream but the words are taken from me before I begin to speak.
Never the less, everyone has become mute to my distance cries for help
for, they' have been faint over the years.
I'm in a prison of my own self wants and desires
I have only one feeling for this soul shrinking of an addiction
unadulterated,overwhelming hate.
Your body is a temple and mine will forever remain a cage.

heburb @ 2008-03-02T11:59:00

2008-03-02T06:24:48Z

Brother's went off fightin' a war, mama.
I feel as though I should cry for the lose of the liveliness around this broken home,
but this old worn down body can't seem to form those nice, clear as day, salty tears that my reflection wants to see.
I feel as though I should dance and sing ,mama.
For, I found a women who appreciates the little left over bit human that's still in me.
but my muscle mass seems non-existent and my voice is so faint that even I can't hear myself speak.
My empty mind starts to believe that I have died and this is all a dream.
I check my pulse one one, two two, one one,two two.
No, I'm still here mama.
Nothing to do now mama,but to set back and realize that I have become comfortable numb.

Devil’s got a hold of me, Lord.

2008-02-27T10:12:08Z

Devil’s got a hold of me, Lord.
Devil’s got a hold of me.
This black sink hole of depression keeps taking me down,
Down-Deeper and deeper I sink
I can barley see the gold lining of the sun, but even so still I cherish it.
I’ve forgotten how beautiful the sound of the wind passing through the trees is,
and the sunrise slowly bracing itself in your bedroom window each morning.
I’m trapped in my addiction with nothing more than the fleeting thought of suicide,
Still I hit the bottle, it has taking control of me, I am its slave from now until forever.
I pray of someday breaking these shining, blood stained, metal chains and being someone
you would allow to gaze upon your face for all of eternity.
Lustfully I turn to the bottle, my soul begins to burn and I cannot breathe.
Nothing let to do now in my last moments of never ending agony, but to sing.
Devil’s got a hold of me, Lord.
Devil’s got a hold of me.

Please tell me what you think.
COMMENT! COMMENT! COMMENT!

heburb @ 2008-02-26T04:56:00

2008-02-25T23:00:42Z

I met this amazing girl..
I haven't been this happy in a very long time.
I feel comfortable when I'm around here.

Yanno, the song Super Freak?
I'm the girl Rick James was talking about.
*giggle*

She's a very kinky girl
The kind you don't take home to mother
She will never let your spirits down
Once you get her off the street, ow girl
She likes the boys in the band
She says that I'm her all-time favorite
When I make my move to her room it's the right time
She's never hard to please

That girl is pretty wild now
The girl's a super freak
The kind of girl you read about
In new-wave magazine
That girl is pretty kinky
The girl's a super freak
I really love to taste her
Every time we meet
She's all right, she's all right
That girl's all right with me, yeah
She's a super freak, super freak
She's super-freaky, yow
Super freak, super freak
She's a very special girl
The kind of girl you want to know
From her head down to her toenails
Down to her feet, yeah
And she'll wait for me at backstage with her girlfriends
In a limousine
Going back in Chinatown
Three's not a crowd to her, she says
"Room 714, I'll be waiting"
When I get there she's got incense, wine and candles
It's such a freaky scene

Ohhhhh
Super freak, super freak
That girl's a super freak
Ohhhhh
She's a very kinky girl
The kind you don't take home to mother
She will never let your spirits down
Once you get her off the street, ow girl

heburb @ 2008-02-22T16:18:00

2008-02-22T10:41:35Z

I've been avoiding asking my self the big question..
Am I an addicted...?
I think I've come to the conclusion that I am.
I don't know what I want to do about it though.
Everyone has their own way of dealing with their problems..
When I have a problem I do drugs or I go on a drinking binge.
If I can't do either of those I run away.
I want help and I also need to get help..
I know that I'm never going be get better unless I go to therapy..
but I need a therapist that knows and understands what I'm going through.
I think way down deep inside I've been screaming for help for years,
but all I ever do is bitch about doing drugs and when I'm sober I bitch about how I miss them..
I know I can go months without smoking weed, but the minute something bad happens
I'm going to get drunk or smoke a joint.
The problem with me doing drugs is that I'm bi-polar
and If I drink or smoke pot and then quit for two days then I'm going to become
anger I'm going to want to break things,I'm going to want to kill myself,
then I'm going to be really happy and hyper.
That cycle goes on and on and on until my brain is chemically balanced.
I wouldn't care about my moods at all if I knew that it wasn't going to effect the people around me.
I'm afraid..
But I think I'm doing alright considering every thing that is going on right now.

Hall of shame.

2008-02-18T07:34:57Z

I am so pissed off at myself,but at the same time I'm really happy..
I figured myself out.
I hate men because I don't want to be "their women."
I don't want to feel like I'm owned by anyone.
I hate feeling like I need any man in my life.
but then again that's sober Heather.

Drunk Heather should be in the fucking hall of shame.
I'll fuck anyone when I'm drunk..
I'm so mad at myself.
Last night I went against everything I stand for..
I hate drunk Heather..
I'm so stupid too..
I have half a jug of wine left..
I'm so gonna drink it..maybe not..?
Stoned Heather is still bitchin' though.

If I've learned anything for last night it's that you can't push yourself into being what everyone want you to be.
I've also learn that no one should be judgmental. I guess in the end,we all do things that were not proud of..

heburb @ 2008-02-13T17:03:00

2008-02-13T11:15:39Z

I want love.. so, badly that I don't care as much about looks anymore.
Love is more than"wow, she's hot."
It's knowing deep down that you love that person so much that nothing else in the world matters...

I want a love like this poem..More than anything else in the world.

This Type Love by Saul Williams

I want a love like, me thinking of you thinking of me thinking of you type love....
Or... me telling my friends more than I`ve ever admitted to myself about how i feel about you type love..
Or... hating how jealous you are, but loving how much you want me all to yourself type love
Or... seeing how your first name just sounds so good next to my last name
And...sh't... I wanted to see how far I could get without calling you and I barely made it out of my garage..
See, I want a love that makes me wait until she falls asleep, then wonder if she`s dreaming about us being in love type love..
Or... who loves the other more or, what`s she doing at this exact moment or, slow dancing in the middle of our apartment to the music of our hearts, closing my eyes and imagining how a love so good can hurt so much when she`s not there, man.....
Sh't, I love not knowing where this love is headed type love....
And check this... I want to place those little post-it notes all around the house so she never forgets how much I love her type love..
And not have enough ink in my pen to write all the things I love about her type love...
And hope I make her feel as good as she makes me feel type love..
And I want to deal with my friends making fun of me the way I made fun of them when they went through the same kinda love type love..
Only difference is this is one of those real love type loves...
And just like in high school, I wanna spend hours on the phone not saying sh't...
And then fall asleep and then wake up with her right next to me and smell her all up in my covers type love..
And I want to try counting the ways I love her then lose count in the middle just so i can start over again...
And I wanna celebrate one of those one-month anniversaries...even though they aint really anniversaries, but doing it cause it only makes her happy type love.....
And check this... I want to fall in love with the melody the phone plays when her numbers dialed into it type love, then talk to you until I lose my breath.....she leaves me breathless, but with expanding my lungs I.. inhale all of her back into me...
I want a love that makes me need to change my cell phone calling plan to something that allows me to talk to her longer cause in all honesty....I wanna avoid one a them high cell phone bills type love..
And I want a love that makes me regret how small my hands are..I mean the lines on my palms don`t give me enough time to love you as long as I`d like to type love...
And I want a love that makes me stu-stu-stu-stutter just thinking about how strong this love is type love..
And I want a love that makes me want to cut off all my hair..............well maybe not all of it..maybe like I cut the split ends and trim my mustache but it would still be a symbol of how strong my love is for her....
I kinda feel comfortable now...so I even be fantasing about walking out on the green light, just dying to get hit by a car just so I can lose my memory, get transported to some third world country just to get treated and, somehow meet up again with you and fall in love with you in a different language and see if it still feels the same type love........
I want a love that is unexplainable as she is, but im married, so shes gonna be the one i share this love with.

heburb @ 2008-01-25T18:51:00

2008-01-26T01:02:00Z

God, she's amazing, I love her to death and.....

Her boyfriend,
He don't know
Anything
About her.
He's too stoned,
Nintendo.
I wish that I could make her see,
She's just the flavor of the weak.

It's Friday night and she's all alone,
He's a million miles away.
She's dressed to kill, but the TV's on,
He's connected to the sound.
And he's got pictures on the wall
Of all the girls he's loved before,
And she knows all his favorite songs.

Her boyfriend,
He don't know
Anything
About her.
He's too stoned,
Nintendo.
I wish that I could make her see,
She's just the flavor of the weak.
Yeah.

Her boyfriend,
He don't know
Anything
About her.
He's too stoned,
He's too stoned,
He's too stoned,
He's too stoned.

Ode to you.

2008-01-18T09:22:20Z

Thinking of how wonderful things used to be..
I hope one day that I can change that sentence to the present tense.

You are my escape
The relaxation at the end of the day
The oxygen that keeps me alive
Your voice is so beautiful
that I wouldn’t care if I heard
Anything but that sound for the rest of my life
I used to marvel as the sunsets beauty
I thought I would never see anything in my life
so beautiful so uniquely designed
That was until I saw you for the first time
I know you belong to another
but I feel as though you are the moon
and I am the sun
Always apart
but one day we will form an eclipse
and our love, our unity
Will be so beautiful that people all around the world
will stop and bask in the beauty that is true love……
our love.

Accident prone by : The honorary title

Never been eager
Not to this extent
Can't imagine leaving
I'm comfortably obsessed
It seems misleading
Such a far outstretch
But I mean every word I say

(Bridge)
When you slow down
All the details spill out
Its no accident how you
Fell right into my arms
Its no accident how you
Fell right into my arms

(Chorus is the woooing thing)

I have been preparing
Preparing for this day
Don't plan on sleeping
Just eagerly await
It seems misleading
Such a far outstretch
But I mean every word I say

(Bridge)
When you slow down
All the details spill out
Its no accident how you
Fell right into my arms
Its no accident how you
Fell right into my arms

Leave with me(x5)
now, forever again
Leave with me(x5)
now, forever again
again

Something tells me
I am losing self-control(x2)
But your the only one who
one who needs to know

Leave with me(x5)
now, forever again
Leave with me(x5)
now, forever again

heburb @ 2008-01-13T03:48:00

2008-01-13T09:55:20Z

Oh shit.
Oh
Shit.
I
just
realized
that
I'm
In
love
with
someone
I
Can't
be
in
love
with.
Double
fuck
me

SHIT!

This place is a prison and these people aren't your friends.

2008-01-11T06:26:15Z

I think I'm going insane.
I didn't even leave my house to go to school today.
Each day I get more and more paranoid.
I'm tried of seeing things that are not really there...
I close my eyes look again and it's gone.
"This place is a prison and these people aren't your friends."
I really only talk to one person.
What's wrong with being insane, though?
I want to know what the hell is wrong with me?
Why can I not spend one day with my family without wanting to kill them or myself?
I think I have anger issues.

I'm not depressed....Just insane. : )

talking shit about a pretty sunset

2008-01-02T10:26:48Z

Happy new year!!!!!

I think all I really want to gain from this year is to love more and forgive more.
I know I need strength to get me through this year.
I number one thing that bothers me the most is war..
My brother is about to be put in the middle of one.
There are a few people that I still allow myself to love.
My family of course.
Clarice and Jeff ( for those of you that don't know they are one person, just as Clarice has a right hand she has Jeff)<3
Shelby
Charley
'Manda
And of course Jordon
I never really see any of you besides Jeff I see him everyday and once in a while I see Clarice which makes it more meaningful.
Everyday I see Bri is a challenge. I want to hate her, but I can't I can't hate someone I once loved. Instead I just get really pissed off and then I end up bashing myself for the rest of the night.
I'm going to try and be strong tomorrow and tell her what I really think.
Honestly, I will probably chicken out. I did tell her tonight that she made me mad.
She was speechless for once!! She knows I'm right !! I was right about something! I'm never right about anything I never when an argument! CLARICE YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE IT!!
Anyway I got really wasted last night!
It was fun,I went on a rant forever while I smoked my cigar outside..
Jordon just laughed at me.
He dating this girl named Ashley and she's the sweetest girl ever.
I'm so happy for him.
I think I might get stood up on Friday....
Oh, well, no one really wants me to go on a date with this girl anyway.

PS: Clarice, if she does stand me up we need to go watch walk hard because Jeff and I both only have to work for an hour.
Also, you need to come to the theater and hear this message this old lady left on the answering machine.

I think everybody should like everybody.-modest mouse

I think this song was written about me.

                                    .
                                    .
                                    .
                                   +
TALKING SHIT ABOUT A PRETTY SUNSET!

Oh noose tied myself in, tied myself too tight
Looking kind of anxious in your cross armed stance
Like a bad tempered prom queen at a homecoming dance
And I claim I'm not excited with my life any more
So I blame this town, this job, these friends
The truth is its myself
And I'm trying to understand myself
And pinpoint where I am
By the time I get things figured out
Ive change the whole damn plan
Oh noose tied myself in, tied myself too tight
Talking shit about a pretty sunset
Blanketing opinions that Ill probably regret soon
Ive changed my mind so much I cant even trust it
My mind changed me so much I cant even trust myself

I think this song was written about me.

Tomorrow is going to be a good day.

2007-11-28T03:54:48Z

I can already tell tomorrow is going to be a good day.

My therapist told me last week that she was going to quit and move on to new and better things.

Then today she told me that next Tuesday will be our last session.

:(

I have the same therapist for two years..

Boo-hiss.

I think I'm going to be okay though.

: )